opportunist masochist.
there comes a time when you look around you
and you realize you've got yourself figured out.
the way you know who you are is by comparing.
i hate it, but that seems to be the only measure.
i'm at an age where people on my left tell me
"you're still young, go play."
while people on my right tell me,
"it's for real now; commit."
my thesis statement here is:
everybody is capable of keeping relationships for more than a year,
but me.
forget quality versus quantity,
forget the fact that they're more fucked up than my previous mess.
forget the fact that they lied to each other, while i didn't to my past.
forget all that narrow scoping.
i'm looking at the shallow surface.
when you're capable of hurting,
and be hurt that it brings you down,
you ask this question,
"in a relationship, are you the good guy or the bad guy?"
when you meet someone you like,
you get talking and see the prospects of that blooming relationship,
you automatically place yourself in a position;
the heartbreaker or the victim.
to do this, of course you're gonna have to dig up their past and yours.
sharing is necessary.
which is why I think if someone tells me
"I don't care about your past, I want your future."
i tell them to piss off.
everything in this world is about the past.
the history of the world; we might never catch terrorists if not for studying previous bombing blasts patterns. we might never be able to make an awesome Blackberry phone if not for big banana Nokia phones in the 90s.
the past is either always perfected, like technology,
or brought back for nostalgia like The Beatles album.
I go back to my sins; gluttony, greed.
as the base of everything I want.
I ask myself repeatedly,
what makes a person faithful?
what makes a person bad enough to be accused of betrayal?
but again,
what is fidelity?
what is betrayal?
a relative word, depending on whom and where we are.
people measure betrayal and fidelity on themselves,
of course, once the sin is done,
people try to rationalize and tell it to save themselves from looking bad.
so, there will never be an absolute betrayal that everybody agrees upon?
fidelity will remain a self control system or the success of hiding affairs from spouses?
a friend of mine once told me that his girlfriend called him,
and his fling picked up the phone.
his girlfriend hung up, called again, and he shifted the blame on her.
he said, "when i called you back, i heard a guy pick up the phone!"
of course this only happens in Malaysia, where phone lines are terrible they get crossed all the time.
opportunist masochist.
I look at my life, how I've moved around and maybe that contributes to my easy boredom
and my incapability of fidelity.
maybe I'm still an idealist,
that the next guy I date, must be Ted Mosby (see: How I Met Your Mother TV series)
or that there's nothing wrong with imperfections,
and I must for once and all,
be satisfied with frustrating flaws,
and let go.
